Annieli is working on not being out of order

Fall semester 1996

I rolled out of bed dreading my English class; my English teacher was German and she had an unbelievably thick accent. I poured myself in to my favorite jeans and tee shirt slipped on my Birkenstocks threw on my backpack and I was off to class. Today was no different than any other day the air was crisp from the impending fall weather and campus was crowded with throngs college students still half asleep. “Why on earth did I sign up for an 8:00 am English class?” I wondered out loud someone actually nodded in agreement that heard my conversation with myself. I was half way to the classroom building and in my mind I didn’t understand why they couldn’t have come up with a more creative name for the largest building on campus. For Christ sakes the building next door was called P.O.T at least that was a creative acronym for Patterson office tower. I shuffled into the building hoping for a seat near the back so I could escape quickly to make my way to the chemistry physic’s building for a chemistry class that I actually enjoyed. As I pulled out my copy of “Catcher in the Rye” sighing since I had already read this book once in high school I had found myself complaining under my breath about not being challenged enough.

As I glanced up at the professor waiting for her thick accent to roll off of her tongue and then much to my surprise the world stopped. Everything moved in slow motion as he walked into this class I swear the room was so quiet all I was able to hear was my breathing. He sauntered in the room without even taking notice to me which I was very accustomed to. He wore a Vandals shirt with long shorts with a chain on his wallet down to his knees. The jingle of this chain hypnotized me; even if I was able to speak to him I wouldn’t hear my words in my head, only the sound of that chain that suddenly sounded like church bells. I always made an effort think about my choice of words before I uttered one since I suffer from a disease where I have no control over my thoughts when speaking. The first thing that comes to mind is the first thing that comes out of my mouth so I just sat in silence as to avoid some awkward situation that I would never be able to recover from. Much to my surprise he sat in front of me I couldn’t decide if this was a blessing or a curse. After thinking about it for a moment I realized it was a blessing since he would be a nice distraction from class.

The professor droned on about Holden Caulfield, her theories were no different from any other teacher that covered this novel; however I did find myself identifying with Holden. Caulfield is in a place where he doesn’t want to grow up and is finding the world in general to be “phony and superficial”. This is exactly where I was. I had made the decision to graduate early from high school to follow my boyfriend to college. I was under the impression that this would help our relationship that was clearly doomed from the start. I missed my friends from high school but after further examination they were indeed very superficial and I longed for more in my choice of friends. Somehow I convinced myself that these more mature relationships would be easier to find while at college even though the idea of growing up troubled me a great deal.   As I continued to be lost in my thoughts I found myself tracing the back of his head with my eyes then I continued down his shoulders making my way down to the floor. His feet were crossed and he was wearing some beat up Vans I counted the criss crosses in the laces, then the holes for the laces and if I would have concentrated hard I enough I swear I could have counted all of his leg hair. “hey, HEY!” I heard through this fog of counting, it was him, he was talking to me. In my mind the only word I could hear was “shit” and it was echoing in my head. I squeaked out a “yes?” barely audible even to my own ears. He threw a question in my direction “does this get ANY better?” in my haze I responded with “um are you talking to me?”  he chuckled “no I am talking to the guy behind you” I tried to laugh, one of those laughs were someone would think you were being clever, it was a poor attempt. “seriously does this class get any better?” I am scrambling for an answer “um the material or the accent?” he actually laughed at me “both, her accent is killing me and this book bores me to death.” I nodded in agreement noticing that I am all but twitching in my chair. I crossed my legs under me trying to seem interested in class only because if he talked to me again I thought I would pass out. I found myself counting again, the words on his shirt v-a-n-d-a-l-s, that is 7 letters; I am lost in my world of numbers. “hey what planet are you on? She is giving out an assignment.” My world of counting was shattered as he spoke to me again all I can manage was “oh”. Why on earth this professor insisted on having the assignments on her desk to pick up baffled me. This was a huge auditorium where you would have to walk 20 million stairs down to her desk and back up the stairs to leave the classroom. I had decided that she just liked to twist the knife as a final gesture of her boring class. While I am grabbing my bag, ready to schlep down those stairs, he steps out into the aisle and gestures me to go first. “thanks” I am not sure but I thought he said “no problem ladies first” or something to that effect. Now I was the one that felt under examination since I was walking in front of him and I wondered if he could sense I was counting everything on his body during the lecture. I quickly grab my assignment from the desk hoping to make a dash for the door without another moment of counting something on him. I was trying to be cool, glanced of my shoulder at him, to see if he was behind me then I tripped. “shit” was all I could say no quicker than the word was out of my mouth he was behind me, I could smell him it was intoxicating. “are you in a hurry or does this step have a personal vendetta against you?” I pull myself to my feet “no I am just a klutz by nature and I guess I am in a hurry for my next class”. He extends his hand “hi, I’m Jason and you would be?” his voice trailed off waiting for my answer “Lilly my name is lily queen of the clumsy” I was proud of myself for making a joke. The rest of the students were climbing the mountain of stairs toward the door and I am still fumbling with my book bag and papers. “Well lily I will see you on Wednesday 8:00 am sharp”.

I made my way out of the overly large classroom buildings door I had to use all of my weight to push them open enough to slide out. I was on my way to the chem./phys building, as it was known on campus, for my next class. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jason heading toward Kastle hall and my mind wondered what class he would be in there. “Clearly it must be a psychology class of some kind” I realized I was talking out loud again. “I have got to stop talking to myself otherwise people are going to think I am nuts!” I stopped to put my foot on a bench to fidget with my shoe and I felt a nudge that almost knocked me over. “What the hell….” My voice trailed off since I wasn’t used to someone nudging me let alone talking to me on campus. I looked down behind where my right foot was firmly planted on the ground and there was the beat of Van shoe that I could now recognize anywhere. “I saw you walking toward Kastle hall, what class do you have there”? I was shocked that I was able to utter a single word let alone a complete sentence. “Actually it is a cake class, psychology 102, it is for one of my electives I ran into a friend of mine and he told me class was cancelled today.” My mind is entering a fog again where I am having a hard time distinguishing from what I should say and what I am thinking. “That’s cool for you I am off to chemistry which I am already late for. Hey why did you come back this way when your class was cancelled?” he stammered for a moment “I noticed that your were fighting with your hippie shoe so I wanted to be of some assistance in case this bench as a vendetta like the stair in English”. C’mon lily think of something cleaver to say, think of something cute, for Christ sakes at least smile, my own mind was yelling at me telling me what to do in a situation that was clearly Greek  to me. “Wow you are super funny” I said in my best sarcastic tone. At least sarcasm was familiar enough to me to use instead of trite flirting. My mind is having an argument with my body and I couldn’t help but think he could see the inner struggle. Every cell in my body was lusting for him and I have only known him a mere two hours my mind on the other hand is keeping me frozen in place. “I am so late for class I should go now” I mumbled and tried to walk toward the chem. /phys building. No sooner than my left foot hit the sidewalk I was stumbling again. He was snickering at my lack of coordination “remember it is left, right, left, right. I don’t think I can protect you from the sidewalk, I already have my hands full with the stairs and benches”. I glowered at him and muttered “see you on Wednesday Jason”.

I was surprised at the way I flew up the three flights of stairs to my biology class; normally I would have tripped on something. I slid in the door as the professor was starting the lecture so I flung my bag down at my lab partner’s feet and threw myself on the stool. This was by far one of the nicest classrooms I spent time in. the far right wall was all windows lined with planter boxes of red geraniums’ that looked out on rose avenue the main road here on campus. There were 12 new lab stations in the back of the classroom and the rest of the room was scattered with the standard science tables. Science tables are boring by nature large and rectangular with solid black tops even at my height when sitting on a stool I still couldn’t reach the floor with my feet. I found this to be annoying since I hate to have my feet hanging out in thin air since I could never resist the temptation to swing them around like a kid. This equally bugged my lab partner, King Pow, since it made our table shake. “Lily! Stop shaking the table or I will stab you with my pencil!” he hissed at me under his breath. King Pow is from Kuala Lumpur and the best lab partner I could have asked for. I don’t have to repeat myself over and over to him and he seems to understand things the same way I do. Sounds funny I know but we seem to have this unspoken scientific language that the rest of the class hates us for. In addition to this he is incredibly funny and intuitive so he knew something was “off” with me today. “hello! What on earth are you thinking about?” I was just impressed that he assumed I was on earth unlike Jason. After a moment I replied “K.P I just don’t know I met this guy” from this statement he shot me a look that I had never seen from him before “do I have to remind you about your boyfriend Daniel?” I didn’t need to be reminded of him; he was a staple in my life, whom I had followed to college. I turned down scholarships to several prestigious colleges choosing the state university where Daniel was accepted. This was a very good school but it doesn’t have the pedigree status as the schools I turned down. What is a pedigree worth when you have true love right?   “Who is he?” this question cut through my mind since I really didn’t know WHO he was really. I decided to drop this topic as it was time to move to the lab stations “I don’t know K.P just I guy in English it isn’t a big deal, promise” he seemed to believe me for a moment then without hesitation added “just don’t blow anything up today since you seem to be distracted”. He did have a point when I am distracted in the lab it can have horrible consequences. Last semester we did have an “incident” that could have seriously harmed both of us. Bryan, the student at the station next to us accidently mixed nitric acid and halogenated organic solvents but we don’t know for sure, this was merely a theory of K.P and me. Bryan, who last used the waste bottle, reported that he saw some brown fumes coming from the waste bottle when he added his methylene chloride. Bryan then capped the bottle and walked away. A minute or two later it exploded. The explosion blew glass shrapnel across the laboratory. Students on the other side of the laboratory were hit with glass fragments others were hitting the floor in fear. It was me that handed him the wrong waste bottle. I was upset over a fight with Daniel which was another staple in our relationship. I was just going through the motions in this lab my hands were moving and mixing chemicals, eyes looking at slides from a vacant mind. Why was I pondering my relationship with Daniel in class NOW? Our relationship was always on the edge of a break up in fact we frequently did only to make up once again neither of us willing to give up.

The class was finally coming to a close I rose to grab my book bag to leave and stumbled over the stool. King Pow couldn’t help but laugh at me at least I knew it was in good nature, he calls me a little car wreck. As I am filing out of the classroom with the rest of the class and the stale air of the chemistry physics building hit me like a wall. I have actually grown accustomed to this smell but today it was worse than usual. King Pow was running after me as I was scrambling for the front doors for some air “Lily! Why are you running? is something chasing you” I tried to ignore him but I had to chuckle. Once outside the fresh air was a relief I inhaled as if I was breathing for the first time. As King Pow made his way out of the building I was lowering myself onto the sidewalk waiting for Daniel. “what the hell is wrong with you today?”I just mumbled “I thought we had covered this already King Pow” I could tell he was getting annoyed with me so he just said bye and continued on his way. I always waited for Daniel at the corner of Rose Street and Sunset Avenue before I went to eat lunch. On Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays Daniel didn’t start class until 12:30 so I was half way done with my day before he even rolled out of bed.  I know I look like an idiot sitting on the sidewalk Indian style drawing on my shoes but I really didn’t care if fact I had really become a fixture there three days a week. I could see Daniel trotting up Sunset Avenue and I didn’t even feel like moving to greet him. “what the hell is wrong with me?” I muttered out loud again I was pissed at myself for trying to analyze my relationship during chemistry now I am pissed at Daniel and I haven’t even talked to him yet! I sat there until he was inches from where my toes where stretched out on the pavement I finally raised my hand in a gesture to have him help me up. He kissed me, not an earth shattering kiss, not a kiss of undying love, just a greeting kiss, just a hello involving lips. “hey lily babe I’ve missed you today. My day is just not great until I see my girl” I am trying to swallow the lump of vomit in my throat before I respond to his statement. “yeah yeah Daniel” I was getting tired of this game of charades. We had been together for five years now and our relationship was not moving forward just ever so slightly backwards every day. I wanted more out relationship but yet we still talked about or wedding and how many kids we were going to have. I could feel the vomit coming back as I grabbed his hand and walked with him to the journalism building. It was a short walk, just around the corner from the chemistry physic’s building then I would continue on my way to the K-lair deli for lunch. I was pretty sure he was talking to me about something I was just ignoring him since I felt the urge to pick a fight with him. Sooner than later we were kissing our bye’s and I was on my way to lunch. I am a creature of habit so every Monday I have broccoli soup at the K-lair, sit on the corner for Daniel and now I was wondering if Jason would be added to my expected Monday activities.